I think I am going to take a break for a while. I don't have anything to say.

It hurts to be typing this. I didn't want to tell you all. I'm sorry. But I need to.

I think it's sickeningly ironic that I love listening to other people talk about their problems when I don't even know how to talk about my own.

Dude, We're Getting The Band Back Together!

I really do love today. I got the chance to spend these past few hours with my girls, and it was glorious. Jessicaaaaa, My Favorite Canadian, MoDawg, Lil' Newton, and Trish are all in town for the break. We decided that a Chinese food extravaganza was in order (Chinese food is a pretty big deal in these parts) for the evening. I seriously almost peed my pants when Trish's car showed up in my driveway. I hadn't seen her since she surprised me that one day at Hogwarts. Oh, it was so wonderful. You have no idea how much I missed them all. It was so good to talk and laugh and eat Asian Crispy Rolls with them. I think that was exactly what I needed. It was so hard when Lil' Newton and I had to leave the rest of them-why on Earth did I have to say goodbye? I just want to be with them all forever.

The real tears started when Lil' Newton and I got out to the parking lot. I hadn't seen her since August. I wish I had gotten to hear more about her fabulous college life. We spent the whole time talking about all my issues. She is such a gem. I took every opportunity to pick her up and spin her around. I hate that she had to leave. I cried for a long while afterwards-I don't think I realized the full extent of how much I missed them all.

Three more weeks until they're home again. Let the countdown commence.

Shaking My Fists At The Sky

The world is sort of crashing down around us. It seems as if everything that could possibly go wrong, has. Like Murphy's Law woke up this morning and took a giant dump on today.

But seriously, people. It's days like this that make me throw my hands into the air screaming WHY? over and over.

Who decided that it was ever okay for the young to die? That poor, poor girl from Bennington-she could have done so much. She could have solved the water crisis, or come up with the cure for cancer, or any number of world-changing things. She could have been a mother if she wanted to. I didn't know her. And now I never will. But I know people who did know her. They have lost a friend. My heart breaks for her, for them, and for her family.

She had two friends in the car with her. They are alive. They will deal with that in their own way for the rest of their lives.

I wish I could take all of the pain and the grief from this world and keep it to myself.

When these things happen, I tell myself that if there is a god (and I want to believe there is one-I want to, so badly), said god must surely be a man. No woman would want this.

I want to believe that one day we will see all the people we have lost. That maybe there is a heaven, or something along those lines. But my mind is far too small to wrap my head around the concept of an afterlife. So for now, I just...I just don't know.

There are so many things that I don't know. There are so many questions I haven't answered, so many times I have screamed WHY? and gotten no response. I am going to keep asking until I know.

Maybe I'll never know.

Something's Wrong Here...

I've noticed that my writing isn't coming as easily to me as it used to. I don't know when things started getting harder for me, but the words no longer flow steadily and easily and beautifully. No, when I read back over something I have written, the sentences seem choppy and disconnected. They jump from place to place too quickly.

Something's wrong. I have to push myself to write in my journal, to blog, to do homework, to swim, to wake up, to go to school, to sit with my friends at lunch and not just curl up into a little ball in the study lounge and go to sleep. I feel a sinister sort of lazy. Somehow or another I am aware of the fact that this feeling that I'm feeling right now is truly and deeply negative. But I don't know when it started, where it's coming from, or how to rid myself of it.

Ms. Clavel turned on her light and said, "something is not right."

The Russians!

Oh my goodness! The Russians are back!

I, for one, am Russian back and forth in excitement.

I am so punny.




And I apologize for this weirdness. I'll be back with a slightly more relevant post later.

It's Been Awhile

I haven't blogged for a long time. I'm sorry. Then again, maybe I'm not. I guess I just haven't been feeling it. Uggh, I am such a diva.

Last night I partied it up with my girls from Hogwarts. We went to pizza and a musical chemistry show. Baby Carrot drove me around the city; we had some great quality bonding time. I was surprised about both how little I knew about her and how similar we actually are. We're going to be really good friends, I think.

I've been getting surprised a lot lately. It's made me realize that I never really used to like surprises. People were as I saw them initially; nobody changed in my eyes. I'm a lot like Lizzie Bennett from Pride and Prejudice in that respect. For my perceptions of those around me to change, I had to admit that I was wrong in the first place. I don't like to do that. But now, I am really really truly ashamed of that part of myself. I am making an effort to believe the best of all people, no matter what they look like or what I've heard about them or anything else that people use to pass judgement on others.

So now, I really do like the unexpected. When someone surprises me, I gain a friend.

I am trying so hard. So very very hard.

Thank You For Being A Friend

It's been two days and I now consider myself fully recovered from a splendid weekend. It really was wonderful. Most of Saturday night was spent kicking Rock Band's butt with Prom Date, FG, and BFK. Prom Date and I play a mean Yoshimi. And I attempted to teach FG the Bad Romance choreography- she decided she'd rather sing, but BFK joined me. He was surprisingly good. There was a lot of tacos and Quelf and staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I also got some quality BFK time while watching Saturday Night Live. That doesn't happen nearly enough- I miss him already. He is kinda my favorite person ever. But I'm pretty sure I've already blogged about that enough times. Oh well.

I think I took about three naps on Sunday. Most of them happened when I was trying to clean the babies' room. Mister Man's bed is too comfortable for words. All those naps aside, I felt positively dead today. Sure, maybe I should have gotten more sleep this weekend, but it was totally worth it. It's not often that I get to see Prom Date or BFK.

Here's to best friends, and the crazy, red-haired, fez-wearing woman who decided to keep me for the evening. I love you all.

It's Bob Dylan Day

I love that man. I know there are a lot of people out there who don't, but I take so much from his poetry. That's what it really is, after all. So I took some verses from a few of my favorites.

I'm a rambler, I’m a gambler
I’m a long way from my home
If the people don’t like me
They can leave me alone

She's got everything she needs
She's an artist, she don't look back
She's got everything she needs
She's an artist, she don't look back
She can take the dark out of nighttime
And paint the daytime black.

The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense
Take what you have gathered from coincidence
The empty-handed painter from your streets
Is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets
This sky, too, is folding under you
And it’s all over now, Baby Blue

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young

I just realized something really important.

There's something in me that wants to protect the people I love from everything bad. I don't want them to be in pain, or be hurt by others, or have bad things said about them. When I hear people bad mouthing my dearest of dear friends, it makes me sick. I go somewhere and cry.

But today I realized that I can't shield them from everything. And sometimes, I don't even have to. I am fiercely loyal to those that I love and I will do absolutely anything for them...but I need to remember that sometimes I have to sit back. I hate sitting back and doing nothing. I want to defend my friends against anything that could possibly hurt them. Knowing that I can't do that all the time kills me inside.

I hate crying like this. But the glitter that is running down my face makes things a little prettier looking.

I am just so in love with everyone right now.

There's No Place Like Home

Last night wrapped up the greatest two months of my life so far. Charlotte's Web is over. I don't quite know what to do with myself.

I am so so proud to be a part of Duchesne Theater. I really feel like I have made a home here over the past two years, and the friends I have made will stay my friends for life. We are just the most wonderful family. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like now if I didn't have this beautiful thing in my life, and I know how horribly sad and changed and different I would be. My heart is so full of love for each and every person who was with me on that stage this weekend.

So to my beauties, thank you. We have gone through so much together and I am so very proud of all of us. A few of us may be going out into The World next year, and to those people I give all of the love in my heart. I just want you to know that once you set foot in Duchesne Theater, you will never truly leave. You will always have a home here-remember that.

Thank you all for a fantastic show and for being such a huge part of my life. I love every one of you with my whole heart.

Curtain

Tomorrow's the day.

Why Is That White Crap Falling From The Sky?

So it snowed today. And it was dark and cold and I really am not thrilled with all this weather stuff. I hate winter.

There are very few things that I hate. I make it a policy to love everybody. But winter is not a person, so I think that enables me to despise it. And I do. I really do.

Snow started falling very thickly and quickly before seventh block. Most of it melted before it hit the ground, but oh, Lordy, how that stuff fell. The sky had been grey the entire day and I felt like it was night time.

There are these things called Seasonal Affective Disorders that people get during certain seasons. That's what makes people want to curl up in a corner and sleep through the whole summer or winter or spring or fall. There's more to it than that, I know, but we're speaking in general terms here. I think maybe I have a winter SAD. I really really REALLY don't like it when it's dark outside. I want to see the Sun and just lie in the grass and feel its warmth on my back. I can't do that when it snows.

I think there's part of me that's afraid that the cold and the dark and the snow are going to stay forever. Call me melodramatic-I am about a lot of things. But that's the way my crazy little mind works.

I wish I could hibernate. I wouldn't have to take my Math test tomorrow.