I’ve always thought that I've been so fiercely independent my entire life. That I live in my own little world where no one has the right to tell me what to wear or how to live or what to say and how to say it. I take care of myself. I am the guardian of my emotions. I am my own keeper. I need no one else.
Maybe I deluded myself into thinking I was invincible. If that’s the case, then the illusion is up. I find myself clinging tighter to the relationships I have not yet ruined, holding with a vice grip to the ones I’ve come to love so deeply, so dearly that it hurts. I will not let them go. They’ve taught me how to love people in ways I never knew; from them I have gained friendships so deep and beautiful that it’s hard to imagine living without them.
With that learning to love comes an irrepressible desire to be loved. I want someone to dance with me, to trace my freckles. Yes, I want those things.
But I need to be held. Just rocked to sleep and kept away from the world. Despite all my attempts to convince myself of my strength, I crave feeling breakable. My greatest wish is for someone to recognize that no matter the front I put up, I am not always strong.
It disgusts me to feel this way, to have this overwhelming need to be taken care of. But we all need to feel fragile sometimes, I think.
Yes, we all need touch and love. Even animals crave touch.
ReplyDeleteOne of your sentence stood out to me is that you feel disgusted that you feel this way. Why is that? If you don't want to blog about it I encourage you to explore it. Turn it around in your hands. Look at it. Try to understand it. Put it down when you need to to and pick it up again when you are ready.
xo
The greatest thing is to love and be loved in return.
Agree Birdie. None of the qualities you possess or hope to possess should disgust you. They are part of what makes you. Flaws, that word and the things themselves, carry a negative connotation, but truly they are patches of the whole. We don't have to like every pattern, every color of a quilt, or the gray strands of hair or the freckles or the darkening ages spots, but when we stand back and look at the whole, we see the texture, dimension and beauty.
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't eat raw eggs and cooking oil- but you loved the mini bunt cakes.
I think you are silly sometimes, with interesting fashion choices and too many naps. But I love the whole you.