Curling Up

Today was the first day all week that I went straight home after school and did not leave. It was normal. I didn't go anywhere or see anyone. It was quite the startling change to go from spending evenings in the loudest place in town (the poetry slam) to wandering around in the quiet of my own home. There was so much silence.

It rained today. Not the feel-good, dance-around, summertime rain. It was the graveyard-cold, gray-skied, fog-in-buckets kind of rain. And it smelled nice, but it made me so sad. I wasn't feeling completely up to scratch anyway, but then the weather changed and it got worse. I went through the day trying very, very hard not to curl up in a ball and cry. I succeeded.

Finals are tomorrow. I don't know what to wear.

Waiting Game

I haven't been to a funeral since the sixth grade. I haven't cried at a funeral since the fourth grade. I have only ever been to wakes and funerals; I have never seen someone just inches from death. But my Gram is there now, and I went to see her today. We thought for awhile that today was it, that she was going to be done. She is ready to be done. But the hospice nurse says she has at least two more days in her.

I am angry at my grandfather. We could not get a hold of him at all today. I don't know where he was or if someone was finally able to contact him, but we tried and tried and he didn't pick up his phone. Gram is holding out for him. And I know it wasn't his fault, but I am new to this and confused and scared and people who feel these things always look for people to blame for their emotions.

Maybe I am scared and confused about the process that is dying, but I do know that grieving is a big part of it. And I will go through my own cycle of grief, but I don't believe that a huge part of it will be tears. I love Gram. I always will. But she is ready, and I want for her to be at peace.

Shaking My Fists At The Sky

The world is sort of crashing down around us. It seems as if everything that could possibly go wrong, has. Like Murphy's Law woke up this morning and took a giant dump on today.

But seriously, people. It's days like this that make me throw my hands into the air screaming WHY? over and over.

Who decided that it was ever okay for the young to die? That poor, poor girl from Bennington-she could have done so much. She could have solved the water crisis, or come up with the cure for cancer, or any number of world-changing things. She could have been a mother if she wanted to. I didn't know her. And now I never will. But I know people who did know her. They have lost a friend. My heart breaks for her, for them, and for her family.

She had two friends in the car with her. They are alive. They will deal with that in their own way for the rest of their lives.

I wish I could take all of the pain and the grief from this world and keep it to myself.

When these things happen, I tell myself that if there is a god (and I want to believe there is one-I want to, so badly), said god must surely be a man. No woman would want this.

I want to believe that one day we will see all the people we have lost. That maybe there is a heaven, or something along those lines. But my mind is far too small to wrap my head around the concept of an afterlife. So for now, I just...I just don't know.

There are so many things that I don't know. There are so many questions I haven't answered, so many times I have screamed WHY? and gotten no response. I am going to keep asking until I know.

Maybe I'll never know.

There's No Place Like Home

Last night wrapped up the greatest two months of my life so far. Charlotte's Web is over. I don't quite know what to do with myself.

I am so so proud to be a part of Duchesne Theater. I really feel like I have made a home here over the past two years, and the friends I have made will stay my friends for life. We are just the most wonderful family. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like now if I didn't have this beautiful thing in my life, and I know how horribly sad and changed and different I would be. My heart is so full of love for each and every person who was with me on that stage this weekend.

So to my beauties, thank you. We have gone through so much together and I am so very proud of all of us. A few of us may be going out into The World next year, and to those people I give all of the love in my heart. I just want you to know that once you set foot in Duchesne Theater, you will never truly leave. You will always have a home here-remember that.

Thank you all for a fantastic show and for being such a huge part of my life. I love every one of you with my whole heart.

Journal Entry #510

Goodbye September.

It's been a really great month. I'm going to miss it. The months are going by so fast now- in just four months it will be a new year. Can you believe it? I most certainly cannot.

I love September. I love the first feeling of fall. I love the crunchy leaves beneath my feet and especially under my bike. When I'm out on the road I go out of my way to ride over the leaves that look especially crunchy. And as much as I say I hate it, deep down inside I love the weather that can't seem to make up its mind. Part of me was joyful in knowing that something out there was more unpredictable than me (or my writing style, for that matter).

Let us move on to October: decidedly cold weather, college football, Halloween and homecoming. This is the month that I sometimes forget. This and November are the ones that I tend to skip over. Both in a row.

-original journal entry on September 30, 2011